Long before chemotherapy got hold of my veins (back in lesson number 19 to be precise – click here to read), I described happiness as a little moment in time that makes you smile. Happiness is a piece of cake on a cold and rainy day. Happiness is a flower in bloom (with an extra smile if you grow it yourself). Happiness is sitting with a good book in a comfy chair. Happiness is a cup of tea you can taste – and preferably one that doesn’t bring on a hot flush. Happiness can come from nothing and mean everything.
I have calculated that, all being well, I have around 100 days left before I can declare active treatment officially over. And, if I’m honest, it’s getting hard to greet every day with a smile. That’s not because I’m not remaining positive when I can, but I think the sheer volume of appointments, needles and pills and the ever-increasing list of side effects is starting to catch up with me. I can’t look in the mirror without seeing cancer. I can’t look at my hands typing away without seeing cancer. I can’t even look at my diary without seeing cancer. Every night I go to bed hoping for sleep. And every night it eludes me. Every morning I get out of bed wanting to make a difference. And every morning I am reminded of the fact that now is not my time. And, you know what? It really hurts.
I knew there would come a time when I would have to dig deep. My oncologist warned me of this moment. But, before I get out my spade and hit the soil, I would like to try a new tactic. Many people have recommended the 100 happy days project to me (you can read more about it here). And I think, with around 100 days to go, now might be the perfect time to test it out. The idea is simple. By actively seeking out and photographing one thing every day that raises a smile, the project encourages us to enjoy the moment and cherish those little details.
When the next round of bone pain descends, I want to remember the Dahlia flowering in the garden not the next dose of painkillers (although I don’t want to forget them otherwise there would be trouble!). I want to remember the things and the people that transport me far away from the drugs in my bloodstream.
With my next round due on Friday, you might think now is not the time to take the challenge. But I think anything that distracts me from the prospect of injections, muscle aches, taste changes and sore throats can only be a good thing. I believe you can be happy and have bone pain! I don’t want to spend the next 100 days thinking about the life I want. I want to enjoy it now. The big picture is not for now. The small details are what matters.
As a quick dress rehearsal, here is a beautiful cup of flowers that reminds me of a wonderful two hours spent with a friend this morning. For me, this is less a cup of purple flowers and more a representation of my friend. It’s beautiful, it’s thoughtful, it’s bursting with life and it makes me smile.
#100happydays starts tomorrow on chemo bloods day. I will be posting the photos on Facebook and providing updates on the blog. Question is, are you brave enough to join me (with the project not the blood test you’ll be relieved to hear)? Click here to sign up.