Breast cancer lesson number 35: It’s ok to not be ok

I have a confession. Last night, I cried while trying to inject myself with my Menopur drugs. I sat looking at the needle that I was about to inject into an already sore and bruised thigh and I cried and I cried and I cried.

I cried not because it was yet another needle (although 13 needles in two days, is not fun). I cried not because the fertility department hadn’t called me back to advise me on dosage so I didn’t know what to inject (although that was a little concerning, because I don’t want to be hyper stimulated!). No, I cried because I was weary and the thought of seeing more blood and being the one to inflict yet another bruise made me sad.

My body is fighting the pains that come from having my tummy turned into a boob and my lymph nodes removed. My body is fighting every time it gets confronted with a needle. My body has a cocktail of anti-cancer drugs and fertility hormones swirling around inside it. My body needs a day off from fighting. The trouble is, that day is about six months away.

I promised myself when I started this blog that I would be honest and true to myself throughout. I have, up to now, been incredibly positive. I have smiled in the face of cancer. I have been diligent in my research and have made all the right noises. I wanted to be a great and patient patient. And, you know what? I will do and be all of those things again and again.

But, right now, as I sit on the sofa I am not being brave or strong or inspirational. Today, I’m just being me. And that’s ok. Today, I am hurting. And, the fact is, that’s ok too. I am writing this post, not because I want people to feel sad for me, but because I want to reach out to those experiencing challenging times and say, it’s ok to not be ok. You’re not made up of a series of powerfully positive personality traits. You just have to be what your body allows you to be when you wake up each day. And, listening to your body and admitting that it’s ok to not always be a pillar of strength is probably the greatest lesson you’ll ever learn. It’s hard, but it’s also quite liberating.

Ask me how I’m feeling right now and I’ll tell you. I feel like I have already run a marathon but am back at the starting line (complete with injuries from the first one) waiting to go again. I want to stop, rest and heal but I can’t, because I’m running for my life. I also want to give Duncan and I the chance to be parents. That’s a big thing. Cram it in between major surgery and chemo and it’s still a big thing. It’s just that there are two other really big things either side fighting for attention.

Yesterday, my lovely oncologist turned to me and said that he was behind me 110% and would be there to support me through this next phase. He also said that there will come a time when I will desperately want it to stop. When that time comes he said he will remind me of the need to keep going. This was a pep talk unlike any other pep talk I have ever received. For surgery, they told me it would hurt, but if I did my exercises, I would recover. It did, I am and I will. For fertility, they told me to inject, inject, inject and then they will eventually inject me for once and take my eggs. I am and they will. The experts are usually spot on. Based on yesterday’s conversation, I should be preparing for the fight of my life. I need to be ready. But, when you’re covered in bruises and you’re just piling on the pain, it’s hard to get ready.

Yesterday, instead of trying to take the title of world’s best patient (I seem to have a burning desire to be a textbook student in every consultation because I think people often forget that doctors and nurses are humans too with real lives away from the ones they’re trying to save), I should have just accepted the support available and explained how scared I am. The truth is, there is no such thing as the world’s best patient (and if there is, don’t tell me because I don’t want to be tempted to apply). No patient is good or bad. Everyone is different and, while it’s nice to be the nice one in the waiting room, I am just another name on a long list of cancer patients. Nice people don’t queue jump or get better drugs (just extra biscuits if they’re lucky). I will continue being nice, but I know that far better than seeing me, would be to never see me at all!

As a quick aside, it’s not all bad being one of the youngest people in the waiting room. While I was waiting for my appointment, a lovely old chap chose to sit next to me because he’d picked me out as ‘the good looking one’. Trust me, there wasn’t much competition, but it still felt good. Not sure he’ll be rushing to my side when I have no eyebrows though!

There will be a time to be strong. But, for now, I’m just going to sit on the sofa, drink tea and work up the courage to take my next injection. Wish me luck. 

5 comments

  1. I always find that having a good heart wrenching cry is a relief… Letting out all the emotions is good it feels good… Then you can keep going for a while till the next cry … It will happen but it is ok… We have all been there and we are here for you ❤️❤️

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