Breast cancer lesson number 54: Be yourself, not a science experiment

If philosopher Francis Bacon had been forced to undergo a course of chemotherapy treatment in his lifetime, I believe he may never have penned the immortal words: ‘knowledge is power’.

Never one to shy away from polysyllabic medical terms and textbook-like content, I prepared for this five-month stretch of my treatment in the way I would a school exam. Chemotherapy is, however, one aspect of my treatment about which I wish I knew a little less.

The Breast Care Nurse was spot on when she handed me the mandatory chemotherapy booklets and compared the reading experience to that of a examining the leaflet that comes with a packet of paracetamol. The trouble is, if you present someone (on more than one occasion) with an eye-watering list of side effects, they will wake up every day after starting treatment, expecting something to have fallen off.

It’s four days after FEC round one, and I am delighted to report that nothing has fallen off. I’m still pretty much in tact. The pot of steroids is empty, the anti-sickness pills are back in their packets until round two and the only unusual turn of events is that my house looks cleaner than has done since we moved in. Who would have predicted that six syringes and a bag of toxic drugs would have given me the desire to clean not only the kitchen floor, but the bedrooms and the fireplace too?!

Why is it, then, that I still feel a bit like a science experiment, being examined in my very own Jackie-sized petri dish? Every morning in the shower, I tug at my hair to make sure it’s still there. I count the strands left behind on my hairbrush. I stare down the toilet analysing everything that passes. I take pride in commenting on the lightening of my pee. I diligently touch up my dark nail polish. If my eyes water as I eat dinner I blame it on the chemo. I think too hard about the importance of an itchy ear. And, my skin is so well moisturised, I’m surprised I don’t slide out of my clothes.

Far from making me unwell (yet), chemo has successfully managed to magnify my imperfections (imperfections I probably had before the drugs went in). I now feel the urge to discuss every bit of my body. But the truth is, apart from a mouth slowly filling with ulcers and the odd taste change, my bodily functions are not particularly exciting. To be honest, you probably have more noteworthy activity in your own toilet bowls. Even the dreaded constipation/diarrhoea dilemma (is it staying in or running out?) is a bit of an anti-climax. I’d find reporting on a cold more exciting.

I think mum and Duncan are still expecting fireworks. Part of me is still expecting fireworks. Admittedly, there are 17 weeks left in this drug-fuelled challenge. But, if the last few days are anything to go by, the only explosions we’ll be seeing this year are the ones in the sky on November 5.

So, my advice to anyone currently preparing for chemo is this: take the leaflets, read the leaflets and then forget the lot. Information is not your chemo buddy. Get a thermometer and some anti-bacterial hand gel and don’t worry about your skin flaking off. Enjoy every day and trust your body – not a list of symptoms – to tell you if it needs a bit more TLC. Life is way too short to waste time starring down the plughole. I found it so tedious, I ended up attacking it with some drain unblocker (oh, thank you steroids for this temporary cleaning high)! 

You wait. My hair will start falling out now… 

Breast cancer lesson number 51: Where there’s a will, there’s a way


What would you crave after a steroid-induced sleepless night? A really good shower. What does a PICC line usually prevent you from enjoying? A really good shower. That is, unless you, like me, have a new plastic protection sleeve as part of your chemo kit list! Meet LIMBO.

Ok, so it looks like I am about to enter a radioactive zone. But, as a sleeve for keeping my arm dry, this rather odd tube is pretty effective. And, most importantly, the shower was really good (worth mentioning I did not shower fully clothed, but I don’t think you’d want to see the rest!). I won’t dwell on the fact I am now over-analysing every part of me to make sure nothing is falling off – or the fact I cut my legs shaving for the first time in about a decade.

If I’m honest, the last 24 hours is not something I would like to repeat (only 21 days to go until I have to sadly). I think I have got off lightly so far, but here’s the side effect list. It’s steadily growing…

a)    A nasty bout of nausea lasting from 4.30pm until about 11pm (but my ‘three vomits in a lifetime’ record is still in tact thankfully). We had some emergency extra anti-sickness meds, so these were taken and made me feel a lot better.
b)    A bright red face (maybe hot flush, maybe drug reaction, definitely not temperature). More a source of amusement rather than a pain.
c)     A sleepless night (for me, Duncan and mum). Steroids made me wide awake, but my body was screaming for sleep. Too weary to read or get up. Too bright-eyed to rest.
d)    An ice-cream headache. Easing this morning thankfully.
e)    A dry mouth. I feel like I have consumed two bottles of wine and haven’t drunk any water for days. This couldn’t be further from the truth.
f)     Weird taste sensations. Tea still tastes good, but it feels like it has been diluted down (if that makes sense). The taste is there, but my palate has been suppressed. I know Weetabix tastes like cardboard on a good day, but today it was hideous.

The chemotherapy hangover on its own is not particularly exciting. Add in the continuing effects of surgery and the ‘trying-to-get-comfortable’ game is not particularly pleasant. I roll onto one side in bed and find PICC line. I roll onto my other and the odd sensations in my bad arm and new boob kick in. I lie on my back and my tummy pulls through the body corset. In the end, I ditched the corset in favour of some Bridget Jones-style pants and felt a little better. Thanks to more than 30 wonderful university friends, we have a new mattress arriving today (the last one was given a shelf life of 10 months when I bought it more than a decade ago), so hopefully that will help us as we search for sweet dreams tonight.

Of course, it’s not all bad. I don’t have a temperature. The pink pee is getting lighter. My appetite is still there (even if the food tastes weird). There wasn’t a strand of hair in my sleep cap and I’m even getting chemo tips from the boss. Plus, flat lemonade is really exciting. The weirdest part is just not knowing what to expect next. Thankfully mum and Duncan aren’t staring at me constantly for the next reaction.

Having popped eight pills this morning, I am hoping for a quiet and better day. The queasy drops are working, the baby toothbrush is kind on my mouth, and today’s mission is fresh pineapple (before settling down with a good book and a film).

I’m still smiling. If this is it, I will be very lucky. If it isn’t, I may need to dig a bit deeper and cling on to every bit of positivity I have. Here’s hoping for a better night.

Breast cancer lesson number 50: Conquer those fears! The chemo chair is actually very comfy


I have pink pee. It started off red, and I am so thankful someone warned me otherwise I would have been running all the way to the nurses’ station. That, a mild ‘ice cream’ like headache, a bit of a sore right eye (random and linked to headache methinks) and a general feeling that something weird is going on, is all I have to report. And, most importantly, my morning cup of tea tasted great!

As mornings go, it was a pretty pleasant experience. I have been wondering why there isn’t much discussion about chemo and breakfast. It was only this morning that it struck me. In many ways, this morning was just like any other. No nil by mouth, no random taste issues. Just me and my muesli. When you throw in the fact that you’re not greeted at the hospital with a gown, general anaesthetic or anti-embolic stockings – just a comfy recliner and a hospital wristband – it feels like you’re going in for a nice sit down, not a helping of toxic drugs.

So here’s what happened. Having selected my chair (very excited that I got to choose a window seat), I was quickly handed six pills to swallow (four steroids and two anti-sickness tablets). As soon as that started to kick in, my very friendly nurse talked me through the toxic stuff (getting me to call out my name and date of birth with each one just to make sure they were going in to the right arm). First up there was red-coloured Epirubicin (the reason why my pee is pink) in four giant syringes. Then there was Fluorouracil (5FU) in two smaller syringes. Finally, there was Cyclophosphamide in a drip bag covered with a red sleeve. So, EFC not FEC if you go by order!

I felt good as my PICC line (when you’re sat opposite watching someone get their arm soaked to find a vein, you do feel pretty smug too) was hooked up to a saline drip, which is used to dilute the first six syringes. I felt better when the tea lady came round and I could enjoy my first tea of the day. And I felt even better when the pump beeped to indicate the drugs had run their course. It wasn’t a particularly sociable occasion (was in a bay with three older men who knew the ropes), but with mum at my side, we managed to laugh and smile through most of it. And the nurse – newly qualified in the giving of chemotherapy – was really lovely. Did you know, the children of OBE recipients can get married at St Paul’s Cathedral? (you learn something new every day).

I think my fascination for what is happening to me is keeping me positive. It feels like I am watching a scientific experiment rather than actually having things happen to me. It’s the first part of my treatment that really is all about cancer and, I still feel like I’m not really a cancer patient – I’m just surrounded by them. One day, it might kick in, but right now, I am more than happy asking lots of questions about syringes and watching my PICC line with interest rather than fear as the drugs go in.

On returning home, I was not only greeted by a tasty egg sandwich (yes I broke a rule and ate something I liked post-chemo, so let’s hope it doesn’t come back to haunt me), but I had pretty hats from Suburban Turban through the letterbox and news that my Breast Cancer Care feature has been published in my inbox. Not a bad day so far.

I would be lying if I said I didn’t fear this first session. I think it’s because, up until now, it’s just been about my boob, my tummy, my right arm and my ovaries. Now the whole body (my nice well feeling body) is in on the action, and I’m not sure how I’m going to react. Only time will tell.

Chemo and I are getting on well so far, so watch this space…

NB: by the way, I saw the scalp cooling kit today and hat’s off to anyone who tries it. Looks like an inverted rubber pyrex-style dish and cap attached to a large cooling machine. Glad I chose not to try and delay the hair loss.  

Breast cancer lesson number 49: Get that chemo kit list ticked off and let the destruction begin…

With the words ‘green sputum’ printed on my appointment card and a hotline to acute oncology in my purse, I know that whatever the next four to five months has in store, it’s going to be memorable – that is provided ‘chemo brain’ doesn’t wreak havoc with my memory.

It’s now the day before chemotherapy – or FEC cycle number one. I feel like I’m in the calm before the storm and it’s a storm I’m not even sure will head in my direction. I’ve got the umbrella, sand bags, windbreak, torch and bottled water, but I can’t see what’s coming. I think I’m ready, but I’m not really sure what to be ready for.

All I know is that, right now, I’m healthy (and cancer-free). My body may look like it’s been into battle (not helped by the addition of PICC), but I actually feel really good (beyond a bit of shortness of breath that I have now declared). It’s hard to believe that with a combination of toxic drugs, steroids and anti-sickness medication, I might start to feel a bit less so.

With less than 24 hours to go, I feel like I should be doing something significant. As it is, I am tidying, washing clothes, composting and generally being a bit boring. But maybe that’s just because, when you’re life is anything but, boring is actually quite thrilling (remember the excitement I had post-surgery in lesson number 19, when I could empty the dishwasher for the first time). It was supposed to be my first day back at work, but with the timing of treatment, we all decided a day in the office might just not be what the doctor ordered. Of course, I do have the urge to brush my hair continuously (just because I can without risk of a clump coming out), I am chipping off my nail varnish so I can paint a darker shade on tonight and I am ticking off items of my initial chemo kit list. I wonder if I will develop a night-before-chemo ritual?!


Chemo’s version of a kit list (for all kit list lovers) is a sight to behold. For every possible side effect, there is a whole raft of products designed to help you relax, sleep, fake an eyebrow and generally look less like a patient. I do have a burning desire to list them all down now and thank all those who have contacted me with ideas and suggestions. But, given I haven’t even sat in the chair yet, I think this might be a bit premature. I am also planning to set up a page dedicated to cancer kit once I have perfected my chemo kit bag (or carry-round-the-home chemo caddy) to cover all general, surgery, chemo and radiotherapy tips etc, so see this as a little teaser.

Top tips to get you ready for chemo
Here’s what I’ve learned so far…

1) The dentist is your friend: coming from someone who starts to pace four weeks before a dentist appointment, this is me encouraging you to face your fears. If you need more convincing, have a look at lesson number 28. A dentist in battle mode is an impressive sight.

2) Take the Cancer Day Unit tour: ok, so no one is queuing for tickets to this event, but a one-to-one visit at the chemo suite before you start is a great way to learn the ropes and meet the nurses, without worrying about the drugs part. I went yesterday and was pleasantly surprised by the layout, the peaceful surroundings and the thought that must have gone into the design of the unit. The reclining chairs look comfy and the views across London from the chemo bays are wonderful.

3) Put your appointment card and emergency numbers in a safe place: I was congratulating myself at being able to tuck my appointment card (think dentist card from the 1990s) and numbers into my purse, when Duncan pointed out that he often finds it hard to find my purse (quite what he is doing looking for it in the first place is a little baffling). So, I am diligently copying out the details for the fridge door.

4)  Dare to play with your hair: having decided not to go down the scalp cooling route for a number of reasons, I am now sporting a short pre-chemo pixie. Ok, so it doesn’t have to be as bold, but if you have luscious long locks, it may be quite distressing to watch them as they fall. Plus, if you’re going to (probably, although not guaranteed) lose your hair, this is your chance to opt for the cut you never thought you’d have the confidence to try.

5)  Try not to obsess about the side effects: having had two rounds with the oncologist and a good session on side effects with the chemo nurse yesterday, I am determined to let my body do the talking from now on. It’s vital to know what might happen so you can spot the signs and react appropriately, but I don’t want my mind to think they are inevitable.

6)   Be honest about your veins: the disappearing vein act is not one you will want to perform throughout chemo, so if you are worried about your arms (or the fact you only have one to choose from due to axillary node surgery), just ask.

7)  Put your trust in the chemo nurse: within the space of an hour yesterday, my brilliant chemo nurse had me pegged as a workaholic whose biggest challenge would be learning how to be less hard on myself and take it easy if I can’t operate at full speed (don’t know where she got that idea from!). The oncologists are there to extend your shelf life as long as possible (I’m thinking best before 2081!). The chemo nurses are there to make sure you are comfortable, at ease and kind to your body.

8)  Prepare your kit bag: I think I will feel more qualified to comment on this once I’ve worked out what I need for each session, but needless to say, a good book, the iPad, my phone, battery pack (from surgery kit list), lip balm, a drink, appointment card and some sweets (to mask any nasty tastes), are all packed. More on this soon…

9)  Pick up a thermometer and don’t be afraid to use it: if the Cancer Day Unit doesn’t provide you with one, make sure you have one in house (and know how to use it). High temperatures are usually written next to the words SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY. They don’t call it an emergency ‘hotline’ for nothing. The chemo nurse did mention that it’s important to check your temperature before taking any paracetamol, as the drug tends to mask the signs.

10) Get ready to write: a chemo diary sounds like a great idea to help you get a sense of your ‘pattern’ on each drug. While I appreciate there is a cumulative effect too as your body is worn down by each dose, I think anything that can help give you an idea of what to expect, is a good plan.

Top chemo tips to test
With more than 50 chemo tips filling up my inbox and my ‘secret’ Facebook profile, it will take me a while to sift through and work out my ultimate chemo kit list. To get things started, here’s a quick list of ten things already lined up next to my thermometer that I am interested to try:

1)  Dark nail polish: thanks to my wonderful friends, I look like nail varnish aficionado, when I have only ever really worn one colour in my entire life. I have been practising with dark pink to get used to noticing my nails, and the dark blue goes on tonight. Why you ask? My nails may get brittle and break easily. They could also get darker and get lines and ridges on them. For a preventative measure, it’s one I fully support. After all, what better reason is there to get acquainted with your femininity!?

2)  Sleep caps: my ‘small boobs, big smiles’ branded hat is ready for action tomorrow night. I wonder how long it will take to collect any hair.

3)  Senna (or your favourite poo-charming substance): constipation (especially when you’ve recently experienced it with surgery) is a pain in the bottom. The anti-sickness medication is the major culprit I hear.

4)  Flavoured water and ice lollies: as a water fan, the thought I might not like the taste of it, does make me slightly sad. But, it does give me the perfect excuse to taste test everything in the cordial aisle at the supermarket. Elderflower anybody? My mum has also brought up our childhood ice lolly moulds (basically plastic lolly-shaped containers with chew marks on the old plastic sticks).

5)  Inflatable bath pillow: once I have worked out exactly when I can get back in the bath, this item is top of my ‘be-indulgent-to-self’ list. Think this one may live long after the chemo drugs have left the system.


6)  Toweling robe: I cannot imagine being so tired I can’t lift a towel, but I have robe on standby and am not afraid to use it!

7)  Queasy drops: another thoughtful present and one that I would be keen to stress test if the opportunity arises. If it doesn’t, I will probably have to check these raspberry-flavoured sweeties out to comment on taste (purely in the interests of science of course).


8)  Pineapple chunks: could be a snack staple for the next 18 weeks (fresh and healthy sugar kick). Will keep you posted.

9)  Ginger tea and ginger nuts: in the cupboard and will be tested frequently just to make sure they are still fresh :-). Ginger is apparently good for nausea.

10)  Brow Zings: when its rival product Gimme Brow arrives (both from Benefit), I will enjoy working out which make-up product gives me the best Jackie-looking eyebrow. They’ll probably get more attention through chemo than they’ve had in 32 years. Lucky eyebrows. I just hope they don’t fall out!

There will be more tips – many many more! Let’s just see what the drugs want to throw in my direction first.

Chemo, all I ask is that we try and be friends. And, if that is too much to ask, I have queasy drops at the ready and I will smile at every side effect you give me (just as long as I don’t have my head down the toilet).

Let the destruction begin…